Today I made the hardest choice that I’ve had to make in this country. It is incredibly hard to look at life here and say I’m not cut out of this. I can’t do it anymore. If I think about it there are many reasons why I want to go home. But each one, by itself, is not big enough to warrant this decision on its own. But with everything together I feel overwhelm. I have been hoping that things would work out, but I have been trying to change things and trying to keep things at a manageable level and I’m going crazy. I don’t want to be depressed for the next two years. One day I will try again, but right now I’m not ready.
The reason this is so difficult is because I feel like I’m letting a lot of people down. I feel like I promised you guys two years worth of funny African adventures that now I won’t be able to tell. Most of all, I feel like I’m letting myself down. When I graduated from college I wanted to do something with meaning and purpose. I wanted to achieve great things. I thought those things had to have big names and big titles and big roles. I thought that would be Peace Corps. I realize now that even some of the smallest unheard actions can be what makes a difference. It is amazing how a simple smile changes someone’s day. How laughing with someone about nothing can be the best thing in the world. I have cried more in the past three months then I have through out college and high school put together. I’m crying now.
So, I told my school, “I’m not ready” when they said they wanted me to teach three different classes in October. I cannot give a two-hour lecture in French after speaking the language for only three months. So, we changed it to one class starting in December. A little later they came back to me and said that I had to start in October because that is when the semester starts. I said, “I’m not ready.” But they said that I would teach two two-hour classes twice a week with maybe 30 something students. I thought this would be better. I could prepare for my class in the off time and rebuild my courage as I go. So I was to start teaching starting Oct. 23. Monday Oct. 22, I came to the school to figure out what time my classes where going to start, because they wouldn’t tell me sooner then that. I got my schedule and found out that my class had turned into two classes meeting three times a week with somewhere around 80 students. Wednesday being the first day I start teaching classes and it was a four-hour lecture. I said, “I’m not ready.” I told the guy in charge of scheduling that I can’t teach for four hours and that I can’t teach a night class. By the way one class got out at 7p.m. He said that he probably wouldn’t be able to fix it until a week or two in. I left there thinking, “I’m not ready, and this won’t work anymore.” I told them where I could stand and be happy, but they kept pushing and making me feel bad about not doing more. So, enough is enough. “I wasn’t going to be ready.”
With all of that said and my explanation of all the reason I’m leaving cut short. I promise you just go the abridged version. I have to stop. I’m won’t be happy within the next 4 or 5 months and I don’ think it will get better after that. I’m not going home because I think life will not be hard. I’m going home because at home I know how to deal with depression and cope with what comes along.
I promise that within the next week maybe two. I’m going to put up pictures of everything about my life here and I’m going to put up a movie about Cotonou. Things that will be feature are my apartment, Danktopa Marché, and the vampire cat.
Love you guys always and thanks for your continued support.
andy
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5 comments:
Don't ever, ever beat yourself up for this. You gave it a great shot. You are meant to be great in some other direction. Leave with your head held up high and know that you are still loved and very much admired by all of us. Best of luck and come by Kalamazoo and say hey to Judy and I sometime!!!
From Carly's Dad
Dear Andy, I am so sorry that you are feeling bad about your decision. From what you say they were expecting a Herculean effort on your part, despite your admonitions of not being ready. Who would ever be ready to teach 80 students in a language they weren't fluent in? I actually took some math courses like that in college, with a lot fewer students really, and it was not good for anyone. The poor Chinese instructor was at a definite disadvantage.
When I graduated from college I wanted to do something with meaning and purpose. I wanted to achieve great things. I thought those things had to have big names and big titles and big roles.
Please don't think that the above is impossible. There are many other avenues open to you than the Peace Corps and someone who got as far as you did is certainly capable of doing whatever you want somewhere else. I am sure you still have the same ideals and perhaps a better idea of how to use your strengths to do great things. And as you have realized, the "big things" may really be little things. The reasons that you even considered the Peace Corps are the reasons that you are going to have a great life surrounded by gentle people who love you. Don't be too hard on yourself, it is hard to give up a dream, even if it has become a nightmare, but you are just starting out on your big journey and this was a little detour. You have my admiration and respect for what you have done and whatever you will do, and I know that you will do great things.
My best to you, Judy, Carly's mom
Andy, I know I haven't really been the friend that's had very many conversations with you, but know that I am praying for you with all that I can muster.
I know you really wanted to make a difference and looked forward to the new beginning that the Peace Corps brought, and I hope that with all this you will come through better than before. I've seen you change a lot from being an immature punk to the guy who understands himself enough to make the hard decisions. And I respect that. I respect you.
And if you're decision brings you home now, then hey I'm right here in birmingham. still your friend no matter what. love u like a brother. hold ur head up. God's already worked it out.
Did I ever tell you that I didn't go to Swaziland this summer? And that it wasn't some huge revelation from God for me to change direction, but panic attacks? I wasn't ready. I didn't go. And now, finally, after reading your blog, there's a tiny pinhole of light in my great big "Why?" You are welcomed home with open arms. Call me when you get back and we'll talk about life.
Andy,
Please do not beat up on yourself for what is a very personal decision. There are many many ways to make a difference in this world and you will find what is right for you. Take care of yourself and know that many people have you in their thoughts and prayers.
ALison Phillips (Sandys mom)
I tlaked to her on the phone today and she says to send you a giant hug and she will write to you soon form Kalale
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